Sunday, March 29, 2015

Reflecting Everyone has a story to tell. For some of us reflecting on what was is a lot harder to do than we thought.

"Eighteen years of imprisonment, eighteen years of slowly killing myself, hurting myself...insecurities. Sex became a void filled with negativity. No breathless satisfaction only breathless regret. I look at this list, tears build up. An overwhelming emotional guilt trip begins, the tears fall. I am without hope, without love. Hope and love has been replaced by pain and sadness. I'm a wrecking ball, breaking down the walls around me."

Yeah so this is the ish I came up with when reflecting on my dating right? Way to depressing...seems like on the outside it is so easy for me to laugh about the craziness of the men I have run into. The situations I've encountered. My journey, though a great learning experience, I have yet to actually learn from any of it. Sad but true. I was trying to see the humor side of things but I have fallen short. I have no passion to write about love life and or lack there of and or dating life and again, lack there of. It's really too damn depressing to write about. I wouldn't know where to start to make it appealing enough to be more than a drag per the everyday bullshit of a Black Woman dating with all of the crap I have been through. I realize my troubles stem from a much more deep rooted problem and that has always been the underlying cause of my failed relationships. I would rather not dredge up that part of my life. So where and or how do I begin?

To begin the process of learning who I am, finding out where and how my life began to crumble, I decided to write up this list. A list consisting of past relationships, one night stands, friends with benefits etc. The list is really saddening. I mean here I am creating a list of sexual partners I've had in the last 18 years of my life and half of the list of names are nicknames and or descriptive words based on what I can recall about the guy I laid down with. As I write this list out I am literally cursing under my breath. Shaking my head and thinking, do I really want someone else to read this? Am I this comfortable with opening up my life for other people to judge me? The list of men I've been with only a few of them I would ever consider being in a relationship with. The others were one night stands and or friends with benefits.

As I am typing I begin reading the words in a Facebook message from a guy on my list. “So I do know you maybe not as well as I should. That's what makes you so beautiful to me though.” I only cringe at what I assume to be heartwarming words... considering he's now married. Sad but true and then I reply: “Maybe I'll find someone who will think of me that way. Someone that will matter in my life that is, or one day when I am older or hell in another life.

My lack of better judgement with men and my sexual lifestyle at no ones fault but my own has led me down a bitter and jaded path. I write this and sigh with sadness. Writing helps me breathe. I will find a reason to write. To end this madness so that I can begin.

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